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Underground Pass

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Official quest description: Getting to the Elf Lands used to be so easy. However, Iban is now running the only road into the Elven Kingdom. King Lathas needs their trade, and is looking for an adventurer with plenty of time to spare...
Release date: 3 March 2003 (Update)
Start: Talk to the dude in Ardougne that looks like every other king.
Difficulty: *****
Length: Mental
Members only: Yes
Requirements:
  • 50 Agility
  • Plenty of time
  • A high combat level is advised.
Items needed: Everything but the kitchen sink.
Monsters to kill: None

The Underground Pass is both a quest and dungeon that was forged in the 9th circle of Hell. It is used commonly nowadays to see just how much a player could be pissed off before taking a sledgehammer to the computer, which may or may not have been the original idea.[1]

WalkthroughEdit

Warning: may contain spoilers like OMFG Iban really is Zamorak's spiritual son and the Temple of Light is actually a gateway to the Elf City which was reverted to seed form.


1.A journey of a thousand hours...Edit

Talk to King Lathas in Ardougne. He will say that Iban is being a complete bugger and getting in the way of his scouts that are trying to reach Tiranwn. You will agree to get rid of Iban, without ANY warning of ANY of the traps, or ANY of the monsters, or ANY of the demons you have to kill. So expect about 78 trips before you actually complete the quest. Let's begin.

2.Entering the PassEdit

First of all you will see a perfecty safe pool of swamp acid to walk over and fall 300 feet into a jaggy rock cliff.Yep that was wise. DERP DERP!.
What you really have to do is find a rock about 4 pixels wide and jump over it. This will result in you falling into a second pool of acid. Now after your 7th try you will see a closed bridge so you will need to take your bow and arrow...WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T TAKE ONE!?! Go back to the Grand Exchange and get one...DAMN IT, someone's merchanting them!

3. Persistence is the keyEdit

Peta

Ok, so after 4 hours of trying to get a bow and arrow, you'll need to shoot down the ropes holding the bridge up.

Select a spot in front of the bridge... "You can't reach that!". No not that one, stand over here... "You can't reach that!". NO, OVER BLOODY HERE!!... "You can't reach that!". NO NO F***ING NO, it has to be THIS EXACT SQUARE!...That's better.
Next you'll have to swing over that hole in the ground and go onto a big grid of spikes... Yeah, I hope you enjoy being hurt with sharp implements, because this next part is going to lead you into a mental breakdown. Once you see the grid of 25 squares you will have to run blindly into them whilst trying to avoid the highly likely possibility of being made into a human shish kebab. If you somehow get past this grid there will be a 30 hour long stretch of extras from an Indiana Jones movie, and an incident with a unicorn that would make the founder of PETA turn over in his grave.


4.The end is in sightEdit

Now after all this you will be in a room the size of Russia which is mostly made up of pieces of bridge that float in the air [2], and 3 retarded demons that will just sit there while some pure with 1 defence throws sticks at them.
When you fall off the bridge (several million times) you will be greeted by a pack of wandering loony dwarves who will offer you:

  • "Exotic" drinks
  • A pair of crap gloves that are supposed to be used to kill a giant spider and search for a dead dove (which takes about 2 seconds)
  • Tesco Value food for 67,123gp.

This is followed by taking a magic voodoo doll though a series of traps with a fail rate so high it would even make Cthulhu go insane.

5. What's with all the voodoo shit?Edit

Take the "Voodoo Doll" from the "Mad Old Witch"'s house in the middle of more of those f*cking traps. Then, go a little north and knock the shit out of some harmless demons that weren't doing anything to anyone. Somehow you will get a magical shadow, proving that Jagex doesn't care for the laws of physics.

Arachnophobes will NOT like this next bit.

Go north through the caverns until you find a giant spider. It turns out it was born from the blood of Iban- yet more defiance of the laws of physics. Kill it before all the improbabilities make your mind explode and wipe the doll in its blood.

Next, find a tomb to the south. Respecting the dead? No chance. Set it on fire and then take the ashes from the grave.


I hope you have a LOT of Life Points, because this next bit is gonna hurt. In the upper area of the cave there are 500 different cages. You must search each of them whilst wearing Klank's Gauntlets. Eventually, you will get a dead dove. Smear it on the doll for reasons that Jagex has never explained.

6. Demolition JobEdit

At the final part of this quest, you will have to withstand the mighty wrath of Iban as he throws bolts of flame at you. Throw the doll into the well of destruction that conveniently happens to be right in front of you. Iban will be catapulted into another dimension, once again disregarding the laws of physics. Invite a load of random mages in to party their asses off and destroy the place so Lathas's building crew can get to work. Return to King Lathas to claim your reward.


RewardsEdit

  • 7 Agility exp
  • 67 Attack exp
  • You get to keep Klank's guantlets[3]
  • Some useless painted stones
  • A broken staff
  • 2 years in a mental hospital

ReferencesEdit

  1. Also known as making a thread on the Rants Forum.
  2. Because Zamorakians don't believe in gravity.
  3. Which will be thrown out of your bank within the next hour.

Trivia and other shitEdit

  • Chuck Norris never had to complet this quest or the other shitty elf quests because they were so scared of him that they just let him into their lands without question.
  • After you beat the quest (if thats possible), you have to go all through it again in the next fucking elf quest. WHAT DO U MEAN, YOU DIDNT REMEMBER THE PUZZLE ANSWER!!??
  • A recent poll says that this quest is 84% more "uslessly boring" than a meeting at the Labor Party HQ.

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