Description: Someone has visions and believes themselves to be God's chosen messenger. Instead of getting them help, you decide to allow them to walk into some incredibly dangerous situations. How considerate of you.
Requirements: Food, potions and a suspension of disbelief. You must also have crushed the dreams of a million goblins.
Length: Not really long enough for the finale of the first quest series that Jagex actually managed to finish.
Difficulty: It's kind of easy but then kind of hard.
Things to Slaughter without Provocation Some statues that were standing around doing no harm to anyone, Fred Phelp's Runescape counterpart, a prospective child murderer, and a reject from the Pacific Rim casting call.
Starting out[]
Great fucking job, genius. You've lost the one NPC who puts up with your bullshit, and now children are being poisoned. Before you go off pointing fingers at people and losing 5K each time, just go to Wally or whatever his names is as he is ALWAYS the culprit. It's always bloody Wally. You now have to fight him and then, without any explanation, Zanik will appear out of nowhere. Once he's beaten, you get to have an out of body experience. It turns out Zanik got teleported into a massive room full of needlessly ostentatious statues, and decides that the best thing to do under the circumstances (i.e. after being magically kidnapped) was put on a necklace that just happened to be lying around.
Goblin Bullshit[]
Now go to the official meeting and they think you should let the idiot go. Zanik, her bloodlust unsated, does bunk. Anyway, when the idiot walks around, she rages hard and kills him from off screen. WTF HAXXXX!!!!111 Now you need to find her because, as usual, nobody in her own village will do anything to actually find someone who has already saved their town on several occasions.
After convincing Jagex's coders that you have feelings, you return to the town. Whereupon her reward for defeating the manservant of a hate preacher is to be banished. You go, Dorgesh-Kaan!
The Return of Sigmund![]
Now talk about some bullshit and then go to the super secret Ardougne HAM hideout. In there, there is a weird religious death cult and a stupid goblin. Free the goblin but then you find out that Zanik has decided to go on a genocidal rampage. Sigmund attempts to teleport out-again-once you beat him. Zanik is having none of this shit and cuts his hand off, which Sigmund, as a religious fanatic, can't help but be slightly approving of. Now you have to fight her. Once again, you have to convince Jagex's coders that you have feelings, before she finally realises that attempting to kill someone who beats up dragons for fun is probably not a good idea.
Is there going to be a fight yet?[]
Go back to the goblin city. Predictably, they've forgotten that they banished Zanik for life because the city is apparently about to be destroyed and that's somehow a big deal. If there's one thing the goblins hate more than cold-blooded murder, it's actually sorting out their own problems. At this point, you learn a valuable lesson that if you're good enough at killing things, people will figuratively let you assassinate foreign nationals on their streets to avoid trouble.
In any case, it turns out the god Bandos is back, and he's not happy. The Dorgeshuun realised a long time ago that killing people because of their religion is a stupid idea, making them much cleverer than most humans alive today. Bandos, despite being the god of war, decides to send a goblin in a mech suit to kill you. It would be funny if it wasn't so insulting.
The Not-So-Grand Finale[]
When you fight it, the other statues will come to life and attack you. This will be a tedious addendum to an already unchallenging fight. In order to add some sense of danger, the crossbow will break for no apparent reason. Needless to say, anyone who has fought anything stronger than a chicken will easily deal with this and send the avatar of Bandos back to the Stone Age, where all religious bigots belong.
You then get to see a nice cutscene. Credit to Mod John A, he makes nice cutscenes. As opposed to the five-minute sort that you have to watch to enter a vastly over-rated city. Did someone say Keldagrim?
Quest complete! You've saved the goblins. Now go out into the world and try not to spread religious bigotry.