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Jagexcuse

Jagex's justification for the update. Also an emote.

Solomon's General Store is the Super Saiyan transformation of Jagex's attempts to misinterpret player complaints of RWT as hard as possible. Upon hearing player reaction to Jagex's initial experimentation, it was decided that all logic was exausted and the next step was to create an almost directly purchasable weapon through Membership Cards, the Ornate Katana. From there, after having vowed never to create a tradeable item again and on a Grandmaster Quest to hold the virtues of Real World Trading over in-game trading, the final step was to create a store from which countless, obnoxious items could be purchased for vast sums of cash, complete with pointless mascot on the updates page. Jagex Logic firmly in place, the Store was released to players, along with a tidy gift of 200 'RuneCoins', an amount allowing you to buy precisely jack squat.

Shop StockEdit

Endless shitty merch as part of Jagex's ridiculous compromise between 'giving players with fistfuls of cash an advantage' and 'not attempting to seize that cash by any means possible'. Also, who the hell is Solomon?

...Please don't let it become a D+D. Please- it already did, didn't it.

PacksEdit

  • Assassin Pack - The reason Jagex made the free outfit so ugly.

OutfitsEdit

  • Colosseum Outfit - Jagex kindly converts the 240 RuneCoins you spent on this thing into a free bitch-slap upon the release of the Gielinor Games outfits.
  • Feline Outfit - Jagex Engineering found a way to make male players creepier than ever and ruin old holiday rewards at the same time. Made so 40 year old furfags can live out their neko fantasies whilst skilling with 12 year olds.
  • Gothic Outfit - More boring than the regular outfits. Wait!- The art team added a small skull on the jacket. Able to strike pure terror into the hearts of people with the zoom all the way on and who are squinting at the lapel.
  • Swashbucklet Outfit - Ditto, just without the skull and ripped from The Princess Bride.
  • Cabaret Outfit - I don't even have anything even mildly amusing to say about this. It just sucks.
  • Beach outfit-Runefappers strike again.
  • Tropical islander outfit-See above.
  • Servant, noble and Monarch outfits-Not even worth mentioning.

AccessoriesEdit

  • Revolutionary Mask and Hat - For 180 RuneCoins, you can be Anonymous, too!
  • Shock Eye Staff - Gives your currently wielded staff the appearance of an exploded tuba with a Purple Drank gravity vortex in the center.
  • Pactbreaker Longsword - Jagex were too mesmerized by the shininess of the blade to remember that Prunescape is not a tech demo.
  • Quick-Fire Crossbow - Ranged is not fucking underpowered. Lulz it's just cosmetic.

AnimationsEdit

  • Deep-Sea Fishing - Because the original animation didn't resemble that activity enough.
  • Headbutt Mining - Jagex illustrates their creative development process here.
  • Lumberjack Woodcutting - ...And your character still misses the damned tree.
  • Enhanced Potion Making - Your character releases a toxic lag-cloud of particle effects. Use in GE for maximum effect.
  • Slayer Battle Cry - Lame filler animation, looks exactly like every stock emote ever.
  • Infernal Teleport - Only mildly cool thing in the whole shop. Is still missing RAIN EFFECTS and/or YARRRRR
  • Pegasus Teleport - Saradomin was feeling bored today when you activated your Vengeance prayer and sent this thing instead.
  • Enhanced High Alchemy - Jagex's ultimate goal, so close and yet so far...
  • Assassin teleport - <Can't find animation, don't know/care. Help appreciated.>
  • Sky Jump Teleport - The biggest rip-off of Highlander and the Matrix wrapped up nice and neatly to make everyone around you lag like a shit.

EmotesEdit

  • Assasin Backflip - Stupid filler. Move on.
  • Breakdance - Bad animation and lag team up to take on physics, presenting you with this worthless, impossible emote.
  • Break Wind - If players are seated on their knees with their head near the emote-wielding player's ass, provides a realistic visual metaphor for Jagex's attitude toward it's players.
  • Gravedigger - Inspired by watching players fight Revenant Knights.
  • Mahjarrat Transfomation - Behold as you transform into a being more fitting of your true power...
  • Frog Transformation - ...Wait, the previous description fits here.

EquipmentEdit

  • Achievement Banner - For that special player that hasn't yet realized that no one gives a shit.

TitlesEdit

An assortment of manly titles like The Elegant and The Stylish. Like all titles, serve mostly to instantly set off most player's Pompous Ass Proximity Detectors.

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