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This article uses a lot of sweary words. Don't read this unless you watch The Thick Of It a lot and you have a high swearing tolerance. |
One of the happier quests in Prunescape. Do not read this either if you want to ruin the suprise that Playdoh was behind it all.
Requirements: Do a reasonably pointless series of tasks for some very ungrateful gnomes.
Items Needed: A tonne of antipoison and no life at all.
Difficulty: Oh yeah, really easy, super fun happy time easy.
Length: So fucking long that Jagex copied Charles Dickens and split it into chapters.
Plot[]
After upsetting genocidal racist "Playdoh" , King Narnode Sharheen wants you to find his "man club" that went missing in the navy . Little do you know that you are about to be royally buggered by a squad of monkeys with their own language and enough poison to bring down Chuck Norris.
So when you finish talking about Playdoh's girlfriend, you must take a glider to Crash Island which is where gnomes go to die You then have to sail to its bigger brother, Ape Atoll , (which isn't actually an atoll at all, see here). After wondering through the jungle for a bit, you finally find the city entrance and wave your immune system goodbye.
After a good dose of police brutality, you wake up poisoned and in a prison patrolled by guards who would be too violent for the LAPD. After a few more beatings, you get a stick that turns you into a monkey, because that makes perfect sense.. Then after you become bestest best friends with King Awowogei, you find out that you have been merely Kevin Rudd in this Julia Gillard backstab crisis. What does that mean? MORE DEMONS! YAY! Because, of course, having large magical creatures at your disposal to throw around like Smints is perfectly natural.
Again, anyone with a brain will hide set up a cannon, hide behind a bridge and wait for the demon to die of old age. And then, yay! you can wield the Dragon Scimitar. Which you can't afford because you spent all your money on antipoison potions.
Pretty great fucking quest, hey. Now go sit in the corner and cry while fantasising about what it would be like to have friends.
Walkthrough[]
It is actually impossible to beat this quest without using a walkthrough and botting before hand. First, spend 17 hours of your miserable life attempting to buy shit from the G.E. You are gonna need a ridiculous amount of anti-poisons because everything on the island, including the island itself can poison you. You are gonna also want to stack up on prayer potions because, on the island, you get swarmed the shit out of you by the simian (well, more simian) version of the LAPD and have absolutely no-chance, whatsoever. A gold bar, ball of wool, 5 bananas and some monkey bones (but they have to be from Karamja, because apparently monkeys in this game are very racist) are required for the quest. Make sure you have a bit of money left because you probably will run out of potions and have to buy more while your gravestone times out. Now go to the gnome settlement and talk to the king to start the quest.
Chapter 1, The Gnome King: After starting this shitty journey, go to the karamjan shipyard and talk to the midget there. Before anything, he's a baddy and working for Playdoh . Now your pervert skills come into play as you need to answer questions about Playdoh and his sex life . If you get one wrong, you get attacked by a really strong monster who one-hits. a nooby level 20 who can't hurt you for shit. They think the gnome squad got hit by southern winds so you really should for no reason, stop looking. But you can't because, like all adventurers, you're a nosy fucker. Now after you go back to the midget lands, you need to complete another or the thousands of needless puzzles in RuneScape. This one is random so you can't cheat with YouTube. If you don't want to do it (and, therfore have a brain) you can go to Playdoh (hang-on, I thought he got scared as shit and ran away?) and pay him 200K for him to do the puzzle for you. That's right, the same puzzle that will help you dick on him. Once you've paid him or botted it, you can now go to the most useless place in all of Prunescape, Ape Atoll!!
Chapter 2, HOLYPOGOSTICKINGCHRISTHAXIMPOISONEDANDDEAD!!!!111: Now that you're there. Don't attack anything in the forest or you will get poisoned, one-hitted and ragequit. Run through the forest and get to city gate. Before getting curious , pray ranged or you WILL die. You get knocked out. You wake up in a prison after hours of state-sanctioned beatings. Talk to the gnome but don't walk up to the bars or the guards will punch the shit out of you. Now you need to escape but the problem is that (like all monsters) the guards are "psycho bastards who aggressively attack anything without and provocation at all" - quote from Unrunescape Wiki's Monsters page. When one gets bored and walks away, break open and run out. Note that if a guard and/or un-attackable monkey touches you, you get beaten again and put back in cell. This is the only way of getting into the city at the moment. You are now in Ape Atoll's only remotely developed area, a city known as Marim. Only walk in the tall grass as there, the monkey archers cannot see you and you won't get pummelled by an unholy cavalcade of poisoned arrows. Run around the back and talk to the gnome who can somehow turn invisible. Watch out for level 37 scorpions as they can hit up to 150 to make you ragequit when you die. They also poison. The invisible gnome says to go find the captain who is hiding near King Awowogei. Run out of the grass and pray range or you will get swarmed and killed. The captain of the squad is hiding behind the King's throneroom.
Now you need to prepare for the greatest shitstorm of your miserable life. You need to find Zooknock, another member of the squad. He is hiding in a cave that is accessable in the jungle. The cave however, is full of zombie and skeleton monkeys, as well as the occasional bot. When you find it, you will need to run through it while praying melee and eating food as rocks are for some stupid reason, falling from the ceiling and somehow, that isn't melee? When you finally get through to the end of the tunnel, talk to him to get him to make you the gree-gree. Not being an adventurer, he doesn't carry around a bucketload of useless stuff so you'll have to provide your own. You need a gold bar, some wool, a few bananas, some monkey teeth, a monkey talisman and of course, the shitload of food and potions. You need to get the talisman from a very stupid baby monkey who can't count, you need to steal the dentures from a storage room with spider-like, microscopic little shits which are more poisonous than your average spin doctor, and you need a mould from the same room. Then you need to run through the cave again to find the wizard and get him to put them together. Of course, if you want an article that actually helps you, just read this shit.
Now you have the gree-gree and a magical monkey-talk necklace. We have no idea what Jagex were thinking at this stage either.
Chapter 3, Become bestest best friends with the king: Now that you have a large amount of incredibly worthless items, become a monkey and go try to talk with the king. You can't though because some old bouncer-monkey won't let you in. Anyone who has ever been to a UK nightclub will know the sentiment. So go speak with some idiot on a hill about gaining entry. Jagex fucked up again anyway because he lets you in without any ID or anything. Much unlike the penguin quests . Now go speak with King Awowogei and get him to make a treaty with Karamjan monkeys. He wants you to free one from the zoo next to the place with the plague. So teleport or run to the zoo and turn into monkey-form. I know, I know, how do you turn into monkey when you are so far away from Ape Atoll, the only place where you can? But Runescape is a Jagex game, so what do you expect? Now go freak out some poor innocent monkey minder and get in cage. Then talk to a monkey and get out again. Makes sense right? Go back to Marim and talk to the king again. Now he says, after you did all that shit, that he will THINK about it and you have to fucking wait. In the meantime, think about the keeper that you just traumatised. I hope that dragon scimitar was worth it.
Chapter 4, OH SHIT IT'S A DEMON GET IN THE CAR: Now we approach the end of the quest. King Awowogei has one of Playdoh's toys and won't give it back. The makes Playdoh pissed off and regrets that he did the puzzle for you at the beggining of the quest. Anyway, the King thinks he can use the toy to turn you into a delicious dish of roast adventurer. But, he can't because, since Evolution of Combat, even the KBD can be one-hit by anyone with anything stronger than a bronze longsowrd. So the captain of the squad gives you a "little pretty necklace" to wear so you can join his team. Not at all a bit dodgy. Now, go stack up on prayer potions and sharks and pray to whatever god you think actually exists because you are fucked. Big time.
When you are ready, wear the thing that the captain gave you and you get teleported to the battlefield. When you get there, you will be straightaway hit with a shitstorm of air surges from a big ugly snot demon. Don't run around like a noob and panic but instead run back and hide behind some ropes. Because the demon is dumb as shit, he won't think to go around the ropes or even just mage through them. You would think that at some point he would realise that ropes are kind of flammable.
Actually killing the fucker is pretty hard. You can't be a noob and let the gnomes kill it or it will go back to full health. So you can either be a "cannon fucker" and set up your cannon before hiding again and let it do the work, you can be a "Safespot Prayer shithead" and pray mage while bombing him with "fire strike" until he dies of old age OR you can attempt to tank him and try to slaughter him with a sara godsword and full barrows. This method is not recommended because you will get pwned and lose all your shit. You can't pray to protect yourself two combat styles at once, dickhead!
When the fucker finally dies, talk to the wizard and he will teleport you back to god-knows-where. Now go and talk to the king-gnome with a girl's name and Congratu-fucking-lations!! You beat one of the shittiest and a "What the fuck Jagex. That doesn't make sense!?" quests! Now go cry in the corner again.
Why Bother?[]
Many have asked this question but all are replied with the answer that you get to hold the dragon scimitar. This reward, however, is terrible because you will have so much of a no-life by the end of the quest that you will be able to hold better weapons (because getting up your attack level lets you hold better and better weapons). So, in the end, you should only do this quest to be able to do Recipe for Disaster and that Do No Evil shit afterwards. Quests that are also known to give excellent rewards. Many people pay other people/websites to do this quest for them (until their bank is emptied) because no one cares about whether Playdoh is planning to genocide every human in Gielinor or not. Most players presume that this will hopefully prove to be an opportunity for a quest which gives semi-decent reward.
Trivia[]
- According to Urban Dictionary, the definition of "monkey madness" is "To stick your finger up your anal cavity, remove it, and put the fingure up the nose of the girl you are haveing sexual intercorse with. At this time, she will pass out due to the toxic fumes. While she passes out, you carry on your buisness". This is a rather fitting description of the quest.
- Monkey Madness II finally hit in May 2016, 12 years after the original quest's release.