A player stretches in preparation for the Games.

The Gielinor Games were a series of minigames aimed at ripping off the Olympics. Appropriately timed in a long line of bot-helping, bug-ridden updates, Jagex decided that the best way to capture the adrenaline-packed action of the Olympics was to hulk-smash the concept in to their click-and-lag adventure game, complete with such ancient Olympic trials as card-matching and cheese-wheel rolling. As if this wasn't painful enough, Jagex shoved a horde of salvaged NPCs from dead Random Events and armed them with levels of annoyance found only in Star Fox characters (and the Compliments forum). After a round of vigorously promoting scamming and RWT through Squeal of Fortune (within the rules, of course), Jagex released the Games.


Having blown up the Varrock Fountain, Jagex placed an assortment of leftover models from Mobilising Armies along with a gnome who, upon promising players the ability to help constuct the Games themselves, provides players instead with a copy-paste of every Easter fetch-event in existence, complete with crappy pseudo-ore collecting and requests to cook pastries tasting "Bitter, savoury, and sweet" in an attempt to engineer food that poisons Games-goers. After hours of mindless labor that could make a bot collapse in boredom, players can speak to the gnome, whose name sounds suspiciously like u-mad, to claim their glance at the menial rewards list. All in an attempt to build excitement for the 'actual' event.


Finally, on the 24th of July, Mod Raven goatse'd a hole in spacetime (and gave a big fuck-you to those who helped "construct" the events) at the Square, allowing players to participate in the Games. Not to mention the warp-lag flux generated by the event causing computers to chug like a German tourist.


Jagex realized that watching a computer-generated character run in a straight line wasn't the most exiting event to participate in. Indeed, it was second, bested only by watching them do so while taking turns. The game revolves around pulling cards to drop cows on your fellow runners and telepathically giving them cramps instead of just going to the finish line. If there is any hope that Jagex understands irony, it's the updated facepalm animation at the end.

Cheese Wheel RollingEdit

The latest creation from the brilliant minds behind the laggy ice-sliding minigames, the cheese-wheel rolling game combines an obstacle-course, cheese-kicking, and Jagex's lack of understanding of response time, yielding a game where your character manages to trip over fallen logs, assorted weeds, the cheese wheel itself, and pockets of condensed air. It was only after development had finished that Jagex realized that the only skill associated with winning this mess was anger management, and, feeling that a raving mob of ruined Strength pures was long overdue, decided that the game should award Defence experience.


Haha, just kidding, that would risk being 'fun'.

Resource RaceEdit

Crowds of spectators gather, gaze, and cheer at a once-in-a-lifetime event: watching some guy run around mining and chopping the same resources for five minutes. The equivalent would be an Olympic TPS-report-writing event. The only event in which the spectators are more focused on the 'athlete's' actions than he is, the game involves mining crayons and dumping them in a giant garbage disposal. It's nice to see Jagex recognizing bots as people too.


Just as we thought Jagex couldn't create a more unbalanced game than Resource Race, they present Marathon. As long as someone spam-clicks around the screen, dodging lag-swarms and "ticking-off" the next checkpoint, other players can just latch on to his ass and hit 'follow'. Expect hurricanes of everybody following everybody else at the starting point while you get raped by the PKers waiting in Edgeville with only you and the stray dog following you to attack.


An Olympic toga outfit, a torch polluting the air with particle animations, a ring to make getting the other rewards faster, and an "upgrade" to the next level costing literally as many reward points as you can possibly hold. Comes in bronze, silver, and gold, each uglier than the last.

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