Warning: This article may contain large amounts of obvious, e.g. THEY FUCKED IT UP AS EXPECTED
On November 1, Jagex released their monthly BTS, and announced the final batch of Dungeoneering, the Warped Floors to excited, gullible and impatient masses. What could have gone wrong? There was going to be insane XP rates! The mighty Kal'Ger the Warmonger! Even everyone's favorite CHAAAAAAAARGE shouter was making a mutated comeback! It was every Dungeoneer's dream! And turned out to be only a dream, too...
The update went into trouble before it even was released. Communication issues (now thats never happened before, has it?) meant that the community ping pong ball was being tossed back and forth, with increasing confused messages for the impatient but hopeful players. It was going to be delayed, it wasn't, it was, it wasn't...before finally being released almost dead on 4PM, where all but the most optimistic had given up and started on a F43 large.
Most servers didn't take this lightly, with some partially refusing to work, and others outright dying on you for the first 15 minutes, which was because EVERYONE wanted to see the new update.
So what did the Warped floors offer?[]
Firstly, they were the floors F48 to 60, requiring from 95 Dungeoneering to 119. These obviously were to give XP-per-floor exceeding 140K (providing that you didn't die too often, the Occults were already overly difficult at times, good luck with these ones sonny) They also offered 6 new bosses and 8 new "rewards".
The Bosses[]
Blink - A blindfolded "Mad as a fucking Hatter" running bat shit insane into pillars, only to have his ass handed to him from the end of a Primal Longsword, his voice acting sounds like he uses helium as a Class-A drug.
Warped Gulega - A creature from the Gorajo realm that got warped fucked up by Deamonheim's taint. Spams a 'False Swipe' special that leaves you on 1hp.
Dreadnaut - Mutated CHAAAAAAARGE, yea more like MUTE-ated, He doesn't even do the CHAAAAAARGE!. Pass the fire surge runes, and don't step on the orange juice. Hideously mage weak and rubbish, he's the Warped Floors 'Free run' boss, just as Godsendcreeper was in Occult.
Hope Devourer - Protect from Mage? NOM. Piety? NOM. Turmoil? OM NOM NOM NOM. The second free run boss, can only do melee, a delayed roar attack and a constant life drain effect which does too little damage too often. Has crazy but awesome music.
World-Gorger Shukarhzah - Final Stalker boss, and nothing like Magma-Crawler Ryakhahraz, which would have actually been fitting since its magma-themed floors, bloody dunces. Has a random flopsy tentacle on the back of its head, which is a nice change from giant bloated Lemonparty images which pop out their eyeball every 4 seconds. And go Boing.
Kal'Ger the Warmonger - Supreme Final Boss of Deamonheim, well, at least until Bilrach sobers up. Caps at level 750 (which shows Jagex are afraid of making a boss higher level than the Corporeal Beast)
Kal'Ger has always been a caring and understanding general
and currently only a couple hundred people can actually fight him. Massive fucking showoff with 3 primal weapons, and plays a joke on his Kal'Gerion mates, where he kills them after answering a trick question.
The Rewards[]
Ah shit. Shit shit shit. This to the Warped Floors is what the Poll Tax was to Margaret Thatcher.
What I expected - Chaotic Platebody + Platelegs, Eagle-eye Range Top + Chaps, Farseer Robe top and Robeskirt. The eyeball monster for a pittance tokens wise, and that scroll of cleansing which is in there for the sake of it. What I actually got...
Scroll of Cleansing - Something else to make Herblore even more expensive. (is that even physcially possable?)
A fully grown Sneakerpeeper. Still a waste of tokens.
Sneakerpeeper spawn - 85 Dungeoneering, 85 Summoning, 85k tokens.
Celestial Surgebox - Holds runes for a wave or surge spell. Does something else too, called "not worth the tokens" Then again, what else are you gonna spend it on? For that reason its easily the best Warped batch reward, but thats a bit like saying The Daily Mirror is the most intelligent tabloid.
Twisted Bird Skull Necklace - First of the three Prayer restoration necklaces. Useless.
Split Dragontooth Necklace - Instead of selling Dragon Bones for 5k each, you can bury them for 2 prayer points. In case you didn't realise, also useless.
Demon Horn Necklace - Instead of selling Frost Dragon Bones for 15k each, you can bury them for 3 prayer points. Requires 90 Dungeoneering and 90 Prayer. In case you're astronomically thick, its useless even more than the last one.
Spirit Cape - Reduces the special points cost of a Summoning familiar's special attack. Just not any of the useful ones.
Amulet of Zealots - For 40k tokens and a -8 prayer bonus, this thing will increase the power of any stat boosting prayer - just not Piety, Augury, Soul Split, Turmoil, Rigour, or any other you'd actually use. Steals the crown off Mercenary's Gloves for "Most Useless Filler Dungeoneering Reward Ever"
So there you have it, they're all shit, and if you were wisely waiting to see what this would offer before spending your tokens on Chaotic items, it was wise to wait, but futile. Now buy that Chaotic rapier and enjoy yourself. I did.