Some call them a fun way to get extra rewards between slayer tasks, others call them "the bane of my existence", love them or hate them, they're Treasure Trails! No they arn't, they are bollacks and you know that...
"Completed Zamorak godbook: 2 million gp
Armadyl D'hide body: 8 million gp
3rd Age melee helm: 60 million gp
Watching a pure get ruined by a rev after getting ranger boots at level 53 wild: Priceless"
The Levels, are you a man or a mouse?[]
Clue scrolls come in 4 differnet levels
Figure 1, a random sod pissing himself over a clue drop
(Easy) For pures who want to be stuck in a dilemma of whether to crap up 7 weeks of botting to wear a steel chainbody for a 3k reward or not. Also take about 5 minutes so all you will get in the end is a jar of mustard and some firelighters.
(Medium) The least popular of the clue scrolls, responsible for the Zimbabwed reward prices on ranger boots and the furry masks. Average time taken : no one cares!
(Hard) Prior to 2010, these were actualy done by bored slayers after 5 hours of Chaeldar's Jelly fetish tasks. Required around 2 hours of running around for a prune hatchet and some bolts. (see figure 2)
(Elite) Ed down at the used car loot came up with this idea, which caused every merchant in World 2 to shit themselves simultanialy, trying to buy all the rewards, despite the fact that NONE of them even existed. Requires around 3-6 hours of running around until you realise one of the items you needed are being merched into fucking oblivion. Also caused a DDoS attack on Wikipedia due to the sheer number of people trying to find out what the hell a "Celtic Knot puzzle" was.
Figure 2: what the guy REALLY got from his "elite"
How do to clue scrolls[]
Items needed: Sextant, Watch, Chart, teleport prunes, asparin, duct tape, a spatula, live electrical wires, 700V battery pack, a pack of crayons, a copy of Tom Cruise's medical records and a glow-in-the-dark sundial.....don't ask me why, I'm just reading the scroll.
Simply read the guide on RuneHQ, or Hope that someone hasn't vandalised Runescape Wiki, blanking the entire article, replacing it with a animated .gif of K'ril Tsutsaroth doing the Carameldassen with the words "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?" in full capitals, blinking.
If that didn't work, heres the abridged version...
Emote clues[]
The bane of all pures, these require collecting 200 different junk items to wear and dance in, only to have some soviet tosser called "Uri" smash your face in with a briefcase, and pretend he wasn't there after he gets his ass handed to him.
Map clues[]
You get shown a drawing so astronomically bad, you'd think it came from DeviantArt, and expected to know what part of RuneScape it resembles, and dig at that EXACT location.
Co-ordanite clues[]
Takes most people around 30 times to find the right tile to dig, only to have some insultingly easy wizard to throw underwhelming magic, and the equalant of a idio lvl 80 with a DDP++ and Fremennik robes run at 130+'s doing elites.
Cryptic clues[]
74% less confusing than the FAQ section on The Triumvirate, fansites answered everything so YOU don't have to.
Puzzle box[]
Same type as the puzzle in Monkey Madness pures got away from by forking out 200k, only this time, if you seriously can't google "n-slider" and spend 10 minutes clicking tiles, then you do not deserve the clue reward (or the dragon scimtiar for that matter)
Celtic knot puzzle (elite only)[]
If you don't know what these are, I can understand that, but I still hate you! By the way, the puzzle box will NOT yell "FREEDOM!!" after you break it open, nor will you notice a giant claymore 3 inches from your neck suddenly appearing when you look up a guide.
The Rewards[]
About as predictable as World 2 on the Armadyl Godsword. Reward loots usually range from 1k to 500M, although for that to happen, you would have to be hit by a meteorite when a blue moon occurs on Friday the 13th when all the planets align, and Jagex actualy make an update without any glitches. If all these criteria are meet, along with the freezing of Hell's gates, then you will have a 0.01% chance on obtaining a piece of "3rd Age" armour.
Other rewards include:
A bunch of stupid outfits for skillers and weeaboos to hang around World 1 Varrock circlejerking over.
God book pages, only one that has any use is the Zamorak book, all the others are completely useless. Although why would you weild the Necronomacon V2.3 over a prune defender is behond me? Also caters to RP-twats so they can marry their "rs girlfreind" using an actual wedding ceramony, along with some "Preach" options which waste 25% of your special energy. The books include,
"We are better than you stfu kid - Saradomin"
"Trun that music down I'm trying to sleep - Guthix"
"Destruction is kewl!11 - Zamorak"
"Phil Space sent me here, btw is my godsword going up or down atm? - Armadyl"
"Prayer for dummies, now with 73% more DERP- Bandos"
"Why you all afraid of my name, also wheres Zamorak, fucker owes me a fiver - Zaros"
"May you all be touched by his noodly appentige - The FSM"
"This is a cancer that reduces house prices - The Daily Mail"
Furry Masks....I shit you not. Yiff Yiff Yiff Yif.....*CHAOTIC MAUL SMASH!!" there probelm solved.
Animal Staves - Made in N. Korea, apparently make you do some stupid Yiff dance while your wearing one of the masks. If you dance long enough, you might just be the lucky victim that Har'Lakk sucks out of World 2 to grind up and process into "Miasma" which explains why it tastes so awful, its made of dead furry.
God Bows, for those who wish to pay 6 times the price for a Dark Bow with lower stats and a Tesco-Value special attack.
"Trimmed" Armour, the butt joke of scamming for 6 years, but the treasure trails are the REAL scammers, we are just proud enforcers of the "Moron-tax" Prune armour was given 8 differnet colours, which idoits in f2p seem to think throwing a blob of red paint over a platebody, saying its a "very deep shade of scarletly-crimson" and claiming that Zamorak himself blessed it will somehow make it stronger, See this isn't just any Prune Platebody, its a M&S platebody its a load of cack, thats what it is. They might as well pour gravy over it or something. (wait, they already done that for Bandos Prune armour)
See image below, this is why Trimmed armour shouldn't exist, some unlucky fellow is getting mashed in all 8 ways by batfuck insane merchants wanting to sell his armour for 200 mill street $50/£35 on sythe (is dat some RWT?)
This is why we can't have nice things
Useless hats, including a "pffffft!!! helmet" a Mr. Peanut hat, Lé wasté of monéy berets. Straw hats, and of course a pirate hat YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! (although you can get one for free if you glitched it out of Trouble Brewing You'd be safter using your hax powers for getting a Primal Spear (p++), it least that thing actualy works)
The Mr. Peanut hat also comes with 3 differnet canes, so you can look down your nose at everyone with style.
Armour kits, makes the "free armour trimming" scam 74% more believable. I'll see you at Lumbrige on my throwaway.
"Blessed" Dragonhide armour. 6 differnet colours, 6 differnet idoits in World 2 merchanting them, next....
Flatpacks for construction furnature
A packet of biscuts that have been rotting underground for a million years, adventures who find these end up selling them to Tesco in packs of 20.
Purple sweets, overpriced due to being the only buyable stackable foodsource in the game, Listen I don't care if you can heal over 70 Billion, those 10's and 30's arn't going to help when a B-17 Bomber is smashing 400's though your prayer.
Some of Phil Space's magic teleport scrolls.
3rd Age armour - Each set has worse stats than the Barrow's sets, and 100 times the street price, and the stats of the "druidic set" is worthy of a double faceplam. Anyone who actualy has this armour is either a merchant clan pyrimad scheme Pharoith, someone who is going to end up being hit by a metorite on his way to cash in his winning lottery ticket, or a Jagex Mod trolling in a full set, refusing to sell any of it to players claiming that it would "hurt the econamy"....wait, I think I have this screen upside down *flips over laptop* ahh, he actualy said, that would "fix the econamy" and we can't have that can we...
A packet of firelighters, that nether light fires, nor help firemaking, what do you call a shit reward, from a shit D+D for a shit skill? META-SHIT!!!
Court summons....really??? Although you'd probaly end up needing a Time Machine to do them.
Trimmed Amulets, what happens when someone without 50 crafting trys to make an amulet of strength, and it melts it in the furnace, and somehow sells it for 500 times the orginal price. He was later banned for bug abuse, although most of these rewards are full of bugs
you see? lots of them...
Robin hood hat, for pures who want to fork over 3mill for about +2 extra range bonus, doesn't matter since they will lose it after getting killed by a rock crab, and believe me, I've seen it happen, had some popcorn too.
Ranger boots, skyrocketed so fast, it crashed into Hade's comet, you really have to question someones sanity if you see them wearing these.
Wizard boots, 2m for something that should be 200gp, I'm gonna have to call the paramedics soon, because this is just getting incomprendably fucktarded. Vestment robes, for those who would rather cosplay as the Pope, than wear prosytle armour for a much superior prayer bonus. Yet again, Bandos has shown his influance over the stupidy of players by having his own version of these robes.
And now for the randomness that is my own suggestions[]
MC Bal'Lak's Disco Maul, a 2H weapon with +666 Crush Attack , comes with a special that forces anything it hits to start breakdancing, which will allow you to break their bones.
Hax-Orb, can be equiped to any battlestaff to unleash "Giygas Barrage" a spell that instantly glitches the enemy into a unholy mess
Nightmare fuel
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ACME - Smite in a box. For best results, open in a POH full of furries at World 31, is also members only, because if some F2P'er got their hands on this, then...
<-- This!!!