Ape Attol, your doing it wrong
Having awoken from her sleep, Senliten, the snobby bitch of the desert, can sense that something is missing from the desert. (Yea, a decent update) That 'something' isn't water, vegetation or a sense of right and wrong: it's Jagex Programmers Monkeys!
Generations ago, when Apmeken, the monkey god, roamed the desert...I'm sorry, but I'm not reading this meth trip! Can you convince Awowogei to send a colony of simians to the desert? And how will they fare in a climate where even the hardiest of adventurers have perished? THEY GET MURDERED BY THE DEVOURER AND THE 3 WISE MONKEYS GET KIDNAPPED BY 3 MONSTERS RESEMBLING APMEKENS STOLEN SENSES!!!
Oh, did I mention that there may be spoilers in this article? ^_^;
Quest details[]
- Start Point: The middle of fucking nowhere.
- Free/Members: DURRR, YA THINK?
- Difficulty: Master - The real challange is keeping your sanity
- Length - Too long, it would take less time to get 120 Dungeoneering
Requirements[]
- Must have escorted Leela from Draynor to Senliten's tomb (lazy git)
- 50 Ranged (How else will you be able to throw bricks at Jagex HQ after ragequitting?)
- 64 Construction (useless money sink for a useless quest)
- 68 Crafting
- 70 Magic (or meth, depending on your outlook on how they made this quest)
- 70 Tory, because the 'skill only ever useful for quests' has to at least do what its designed to
- Dealing with Scabaras
- Desert Treasure
- Missing My Mummy
- Recipe For Disaster (Must have freed King Awowogei)
- Shadow of the Storm
- Smoking Kills
- Ability to defeat 3 copypasta gorillias on magical voodoo steriods.
Items Needed[]
- Straitjacket
- Doctors with needles
- A padded room
- A will to live (will not be kept after completion!)
Walkthough[]
Starting off, you run around half the desert asking a talking statue, a priest that I forgot existed and some stupid cat lady/lion/thing about 3 hours of useless dialog about a million pointless desert gods and how they blah blah blah filler.....*zzzzzzz* NEXT!
When Jagex actualy let you start doing the quest, you will find yourself in Ape Atoll...wait...you threw out those greegrees? Sucks to be you, go waste another 3 hours and come back. Have a deep, enlightling conversation to the 3 "wise" monkeys, the admit to being human...(W'asn't the whole bloody point of Monkey Madness to NOT get caught? Noe if you are lagging or on any server higher than 50 ping, just GIVE UP NOW! You have to lay a trail of "GREEN" bananas from a ninja guard the whole way around the temple, now heres the problem, the trail has to be EXACT, the apes will eat half the trail on you, AND they turn brown after 30 seconds)
Once thats done, and you've repaired the massive crack on your monitor screen from going ape shit crazy, you will reveal your Human self to the wise monkeys *POOF* WTFHAX HUMAN! HOW U DO DAT?? OVERREACT! OVERREACT! SELL AGS 40M TAKING JUNK! ZOMFG!11111PANIC!!!shift!!!!!!11....Ahem..."you guys done yet?"
Wasting your time: part 73/10'000[]
They will ask you to talk to Mod Emi...King Awowogei about sending a barrel of monkeys to the desert, as you enter, you will see those eyes, those cute little monkey eyes staring into your soul, altering your subconsious thoughts, reducing your mind to mush.....Sure Awowogei, I'll get you your "Chimp-Ice"
Now head do
yup, a gnat sized problem
wn to Nardah "The home of choc-ice" (as Runescape Wiki keeps calling it, not like you can't get choc-ice from the freezer in Tesco??) and Rohuk will gladly make you one (for 1k of course) now theres "just one teny tiny gnat sized problem" The Choc-ice will melt in 30 seconds, and you can't use any form of teleports to reach ape attol so what are you going to do? *Grabs Staff of Light, Tome of Frost and full Ahrims" I'M GOING TO ICE BARRAGE THE UNHOLY SHIT OUT OF THIS THING EVERY 4 SECONDS!!!!!!!! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, does that not seem a bit much? Oh and don't think of using the gnome gliders, apparently they closed down the commerical flights due to "volcanic ash" God damn it Iceland, not again!!! When you "somehow" reach Ape attol, you will see a message saying "Choc-Point reached!" ok very funny Jagex now fuck off...King Awowogei will give you a barrel of monkeys, and you throw the 3 wise-arses in it too, Now you have 2 choices, either continue with the quest by bring them to the desert OR, take a trip down to the Blast Furnace and clam the barrel is full of bot-mined runite ore. On paper, the second option seems a whole lot more worth it.
The sands of (wasted) time[]
When you find the EXACT spot in the desert the monkeys want, they will give you a list of annoying, pointless and somewhat retarded tasks to do that require you to run around like a jackass for 7 hours, Building stalls, tents, Falcon PAUNCHHHHHH'ing the Red Faction for their monkey battle knives and running about with a useless "Ava'a alerter" which spams your screen up with Bawk bawk Bawk faster than the @@@@tacks on elvemage cc in order to find a "no-so-magic" carpet for the monkey and his pet human. Now its about time to sod off and talk to Senliten again...Oh whats this, Osman is Ranting at Leena about this quest too? See Jagex, even NPC's hate it!!!
Ava clearly used spambots
OH AH AH AH ah shi....[]
As you walk back to the con....(seriously....your still here? Bloody hell mate, your determined) Ok as you return, you will see that they entire place has been LOLURSMASHED with the only thing remaining being a ....ghost....monkey....Now how in hell am I suppost to talk to this?? Ah I get it, you make a "Cramulet", now I can tell you where else you can cram it.....(The contents of this message have been hidden. Doublethink plusgood.)
The ghost will tell you that you must find the 3 wise-arses in 3 random dungeons and fight 3 random Copypasta Apes.
The first one is at the end of the "Smoke Dungeon" where you fought the Banshee mistress S/he/it will use random mage attacks and melee that hit stupidly hard and teleport everywhere, and yell things like "lets have a look at those delicious lips" "lets see that smile" throwing your slayer helmet off, resulting in you getting owned in the same way a idoit lvl 80 would.
The second one is hidding...RIGHT NEXT TO THE BLOODY KALPHITE QUEEN!!!! meaning YES, you will get a dozen 200's shot at you before you even start the fight. Now heres the fun part, S/he/it will use stupidly powerful melee attacks that drain about half your prayer every 5 seconds, it will also teleport around, and destory any way of safespotting it.
The last one is confused as hell, S/he/it will hide in the Uzer demon throne room, Throw sonic booms at you while spam summoning lesser demons, yes because if a lvl 180 can't defeat you, a bunch of training fodder will.
Once all this mess is over, you will talk to Steliten once more, as I'm sure you'll be expecting an epic reward for all this...
right...
RIGHT...?
aye riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!
All you get is one quest point and some useless exp that will probaly not even give one level up.
good fight sanity!!! Elvis has left the building, see you all next year, feel free to run into pillars (pillars not included, may reduce house prices)
(END)