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Warning: This is a particularly angry article, due to the writer of it having stubbed his toe beforehand. If you don't like to see swearing, not a lot I can do about that I'm afraid.

Desert Treasure is a big bloody long quest that you'd only ever do so you can get your Ancients and start kicking arse. Of course its not going to toss you a shitload of new magic spells that easy, you gotta sink a bit of time and a lot of sanity to get there. But who cares about all the bollocks? I WANT MY ICE BARRAGE!


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Official quest description: It turns out that Azzanadra, some badly animated Mahjarrat thing has been captured inside a dirty great pyramid. You'll need 4 diamonds, held by a bunch of cocksure twats, a few hours to waste and preferably the ability to not die too easily.
Release date: 28 July 2003 (Update)
Start: Talk to an obvious Indiana Jones clone.
Difficulty: *****
Length: Doesn't matter. You'll do anything to have the ability to freeze people.
Members only: Yes, like all decent quests.
Requirements: A few skills in the 50s and some quests. Remember low reqs =/= easy quest. Evidence: Von Bolt's Requiem.
Items needed: None
Monsters to kill: Several nasty ones that in the old days of RuneScape would make your head warp. Now they're just old and sad.

Starting off on the Desert Treasure, oh sod that- I want my ancients!Edit

Talk to some Indiana Jones ripoff at the Bedabin Camp. Go to the exam centre, go back again, and something else. Talk to some guy called Eblis (no, not Iblis you Sonictards) and get him a load of stuff for 6 mirrors. Look at them, but try not to hax the game and break them all, that would be 42 years of bad luck, which means NOVISAGEFORYOUEVER.

Blood(y) DiamondEdit

Alright, you're going to have to kill a vampire for this one.

(Yeah, a vampire! What's wrong with you lot? Something about vampires? What is it?)

Talk to some other vampire in a bar in Canifis, the town of werewolves 'n' shit innit? and all other stock Transylvanian themes about the Blood Diamond. Turns out this dirty great vampire called Dessous is being a right prick 'n' shit innit? causing some trouble and needs to be killed. Ruin him and you get the Blood Diamond.

Dessous himself is a right noisy git, so turn the sound down (like always) and ruin him with either Wind spells, his weakness (no, farting doesn't affect him, and no I don't like South Park either) or introduce him to Mr.Choppy the Armadyl Godsword.

Useless info: You can get a load of Blood Diamonds using the drop trick. They tend to dissappear though at 2 random
Fareed getting torn a new one

Fareed - one tough bastard

intervals at the end of the quest.

Smoke DiamondEdit

At this point, the quest designers decided to cut the crap and just let you get the Smoke Diamond. Go down a dungeon, light some torchers, ruin Fareed (pray melee and wear ice gloves- simple) and there's your Smoke Diamond. If only all quests were like this.

Shadow DiamondEdit

This one isn't so simple sadly. In fact its a bloody pain in the arse in a OMFGWASTINGSOMANYLOCKPICKS kind of way. Right, talk to Rasolo and you find out a bunch of yobs have stolen his Gilded Cross (and that he's rather cross about it) and he'll give you a shitty little ring in return. Problem is you need this shitty little ring for your ancients. Life sucks.

Go to the south of the bandit camp with a bit of food, antipoison and a truckload of lockpicks, almost count 4000 consecutive failures until PruneScape forgets what its doing and lets you pick all the locks on the 3998th lockpick. Get your cross (and you'll be cross it took so long) and obtain that ring. You'll notice a dirty great ladder 'n' shit innit? which leads to the Shadow Dungeon, lair of Damis the cocksure arsehole.

After running past a load of skeletons and shadow hounds, you'll find a guy in black armour. Stomp on his first form and he'll go MENTAL!!!!! and drain your prayer faster than a Prayer Drainer 2000. Whats worse is, he NEVER, EVER, EVER SHUTS UP.

Damis...no you're not invincible, no you're not going to destroy me, no I ain't seeing your insane power, no you aren't going to make me pay, no you aren't going to teach me a lesson, and look, you're dead. Shadow Diamond get.

Ice DiamondEdit

Chances are so far you're not impressed. You've fought a noisy vampire, a useless fire warrior, a annoying prick and now you just want an end to all this, preferably with ancients on you as well. Tough, the longest and most annoying part is yet to go.

First things first things first things first, get a pair of spiked boots, some prayer potions and restore potions (or some Super Restores if you've got money to throw away) and a lot of food. You'll probably need it. Go to some area with a crying troll. Turns out a bad man DEEP FREEZE!!! his parents and took the Ice Diamond which they handily happened to randomly find. Now you've got a bunch of shit to go through for the last diamond.

First, wreck 5 ice trolls. Pray melee etc.etc. Run, well walk though some cave and now you're on the road to Kamil, the bad man who DEEP FREEZE!!! people. Pray Melee, walk through AN ABSOLUTE TON of Ice Wolves and fight Kamil. Fire magic, melee, ranged, whatever. Kill him before he DEEP FREEZE!!! you one too many times. You done now? Well, we'll leave Wayne from Wayne's World to answer that.

"NOT!"

18 blood diamonds

A typical Desert Treasure inventory

There you go. Now, you'll need to follow a barely visible ice path, walk in a full circle, put on your spiked boots, walk on a ice spiral, fall flat on your face, walk on a bridge of ice, find a pair of trolls stuck in ice that are the parents of this troll child I forgot to mention before which you needed to give a cake to, break the ice cubes, free the trolls, go back outside to the area with the troll child, endure a pointless boring conversation, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND get your Ice Diamond. Drop trick it if you like.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?Edit

The home stretch. Now, go back to Eblis, show him the diamonds and go south to a dirty great pyramid 'n' shit innit? and use the diamonds you have on the pillars, allowing entry. Now, make sure you weigh less than the average model, stick Protect from Melee on and do a mad dash through 4 floors of a pyramid. Speak to Azzandara, release him from the place and QUEST KOMPLETE!

(You've gone and spelt 'Complete' wrong Stormy. You're fired. ~ Angels)

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