Cook's Assistant is the hardest quest ever to be created by Jagex . It is so difficult it has driven fellow runescape players to pull out keys from their keyboard and eat them in pure psychotic frustration. It is also so intense that Zezima's wife\slave killed herself.


Start point: Go to Lumbridge Castle. Talk to the cook; tell him that you will help.
Members only: No
Wiki difficulty: HOLYFUCK!!!
Official difficulty: Grandmaster
Length: An Eternity (or Between 0 and Infinity Hours)

It least 138 Combat, 140+ Recommended 120 Dungeoneering 99 all other skills

Nomad's Requiem

The Void Stares Back

While Guthix has nightmares about this quest

Ritual of the Mahjarrat

Items required:
  • Full Primal Armour
  • 100 Fire Capes
  • A Nuclear powered Godsword
  • Cheesy018's Bank Too late, someone got it
  • The Holy Grail
  • Ownership of NASA
  • A piece of the True Cross
  • 3 Strands of Andrew Gower's hair, encased in soild gold, in a frame that is 10 x 12 inches, now it has to be EXACTLT 10 by 12, if its even a millimetre off, the universe will explode
Enemies to defeat:

5 Nomads (Level: 699)

Nex (Level: 1001)

Kal'Ger the Warmonger (Level: 750)

Lucien (Level: 999)

Alatreon (Level: 3400)

Deathwing (Level: 8372)

Exdeath (Level 5277)

Mod Mark (Level: 75000)

Wow! You're actually going to do this quest? You must have a deathwish or something. Alright then, to start, you have to talk to the cook in the kitchen of Lumbridge Castle. What? You're wondering why the cook is MALE?! Silly fool, if you're really worried about that sort of thing, go draw Rule 63 of him or something.

The cook will tell you that in a parallel universe called Runescape, some noob completed some quest (which also happens to be called Cook's Assistant,) in which they had to get ingredients for the Duke of Lumbridge's birthday cake. These ingredients were: Top Quality Milk, a Super Large Egg, and a pot of Extra Fine Flour. What the noob didn't realize is that you can not actually make a cake with just those ingredients, this flaw in Logic will therefore cause a rip in the Time-Space continuum to open leading to the worlds ending due to things no longer making any sense. The Solution to this problem? You have to unbake that cake!

Unfortunately, the cook in this alternate universe is even worse at unCooking than his Runescape counterpart was at Cooking so by the laws of Completely Random Events (see also: Conveniently Placed Pillar ) Evil Bob the Fagex Cat will teleport you to his island. Evil Bob will tell you that to unbake the cake, you must go to Runescape and get the exact ingredients of the cake before your Prunescape Account does. You then step into the portal and find yourself in Runescape.

Top Quality MilkEdit

Your first stop will be the cow farm east of Lumbridge Castle. Talk to Gillie Groats and she will tell you to milk the Duke of Lumbridge's prized cow.... Easy enough, just take a bucket and find the Duke's wife.

Super Large EggEdit

Next go to any of the chicken farms near Lumbridge (it doesn't matter which one,) and you will see a Super Large Egg just lying on the ground. How boring. Let's make this interesting for your Runescape account when he finally gets here. By that I mean, fill your inventory with completely normal eggs and drop them all around the Super Large one. Trust me, it's funny.

Extra Fine Flour Edit

Now go to the mill Northwest of Lumbridge (and East of Draynor Village,) and talk to Millie Miller. She will tell you to pick some "grain" from the farm outside and then head to the top floor of the mill. Use the "grain" with the hopper and hopperate the hopper controls (sorry, couldn't resist the pun.) Go back downstairs and collect the powdery white stuff from the flour bin. This will get you some pot.

Finishing the QuestEdit

Bring these 3 ingredients to the unCook in Dumbridge and... What?! You brought them to the one in Runescape instead?! Oh no!! You have doomed us all!

"MWAHAHAHAAHAHA At last I am Free!"

You: "Holy shit it's Mod Mark Twain!"

"That's right, and I'm back with a vengeance! Get him minions!"

-The Nomads, Nex, Kalger the Warmonger, Lucien, Sephiroth, Aizen, Itachi and Lavos all appear.-

You: "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

Mod Mark Gerhard: "Oh dear, what have we here?"

You: "You lot fucked up another quest!"

Mod Mark Gerhard: *gasps* This wasn't us... This is... Fagex!

-One System Update later...-

Quest Complete!Edit


  • 1 Quest Point
  • 300 Cooking exp
  • 500 coins
  • 20 cooked sardines
  • Access to the cook's range (since he sucks at cooking so much, you might as well use it.)

The Real Mod Mark: "All those monsters gave me an absolutely brilliant idea!"

Coming soon to Prunescape: Recipe For Disaster

(Because that's what all of Runescape's updates are really.)