Me engaged in intense combat during the battle.

The Battle of Lumbridge, also known as The Battle of the Big Green Crater to the Left of Lumbridge, is(was) a "world event" created by Jagex's "We'll find a Way to Fuck This Up Somehow" department as part of the fabulous Runescape 3 update. Guthix has got it in the proverbial ass from some lucky Mahjarrat and bites it, leaving Prunescape wide open for gods to come through and fire enormous lasers at each other (not joking, see the RuneWiki article) as a sort of long-range high-five knowing that they are doing Jagex's royal bidding in eternally screwing players over.

The BattleEdit

Upon starting up Runescape 3 for the first time, you will be tele'd to a Lumbridge destroyed by war and will find some bitch (apparently from the horrible book series or something) standing over the battleground moaning about how bad violence between the gods is - and in a sense, she's right, because the battle going on in the crater is a gigantic mess. Frolick on down to the crater itself and you will find Saradomin and Zamorak engaging in an energy pissing contest atop a battle where brother slays brother, people battle over mere religion and every player is busy doing menial resource gathering while the NPCs do battle - 

Wait, what?

That's right. Why the fuck is this called the battle of Lumbridge? There isn't a single damned player engaged in actual combat. Every actual human is sitting on their knees literally fishing for crystals while the AIs duke it out. And this still somehow influences the outcome of the battle. Jagex couldn't bear to leave out the poor skillers out of a battle already missing PvP, and seeing how much of an atrocious failure of human relations Castle Wars was, decided that the best fight involved not fighting at all.

The RockEdit

Towards the end, a rock right outside the Saradomin camp becomes glitched and gives unlimited sacred metal fragments. Jmods said "oh hell, let's run with it" and said it is "intentional", giving a big middle finger to all players who grinded hard to get metal fragments and latecomers free, fast and completely afkable (xp gained even through server crash) xp.


Jagex just couldn't resist those glorious cosmetic overrides.

Week 1Edit

  • Saradomin/Zamorak tokens - Little medals for all your hard work in the slave-pits dredging up uranium for the gods.
  • Warpriest Armor - ZOMFG best free armor in the game!!1
  • Emotes - Dear god, how many slave tears do these things cost? (Tier 3 requires 20000 tears or minimum of 7 days of extreme grinding)
  • Cosmetic Overrides - Of course! How could we POSSIBLY play without them?
  • Titles - Fish for enough slave tears and you might just get lucky enough to get a "rare tear" which grants you titles like "The Boundless". I'll admit, you truly have no boundaries if you're able to play that much.
  • Moar titles - Ooh, you can buy words with normal tears, too!
  • Temporary Boosts - I like the one which costs tears and increases the rate at which you gain them. Even when there is a daily limit on how many you can get.
  • XP lamps - Self-XPlanatory .

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