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Barbarian Assault

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Just one of the many Pee-Nance you will face

Barbarian Assault is well known as PruneScape's peanut gallery. There are more idiots per square metre than World 2, and at least if those idiots made an arse of themselves, they didn't drag you down as well. Barbarian Assault...there's so many idiots in this minigame, they put the word 'Ass' in the title!

The concept of it, is that a bunch of creatures from the planet WTF called The Pee-Nance have come to PruneScape to do...some things that aren't actually explained, which is due to Jagex's brilliant skills at creating backstories. However, the barbarians can't deal with these threats (how convienient) and therefore require you, the average PruneScaper to kill them instead. The result is a minigame that would even get Saradomin dropping F-Bombs.

The Pee-NanceEdit

Similar to Revenants, there are many types of Pee-Nance for you to wreck your sanity over, they are as follows -

Pee-Nance Fighter: These walk around the set like an especially bad actor in an American Sitcom, and they slash you with claws. Well not really if you look closely. They damage you with their primitive animations instead.

Pee-Nance Ranger: Flying Pee-Nance with dirty great tumours on their arses, these Pee-Nance shit on you. Literally.

Pee-Nance Healer: AKA Pee-Nance Sausages, you will be surprised that they don't grind themselves down to a stump as they move, they have no legs.

Pee-Nance Runner: These Pee-Nance can't be fucking arsed. As soon as they appear out of the cave, they'll piss off, good thing they're hungry, so you can tempt with them food, problem is they're a pickier eater than Jamie Oliver.

Queen Spawn: *is unable to describe these*

Pee-Nance Queen: The big boss Pee-Nance, you find it at the end, where it spends its entire time throwing purple Hula Hoops at you, until you attack it with 8 Omega Eggs, at this point it kills itself by smashing its face into the floor.

Starting Barbarian AssaultEdit

Before you even get around to killing the Pee-Nance, you have to choose a role to do. There are 4 roles - as follows -

Attacker: Your job is to rip the Pee-Nance a new one. Problem is, you have to keep changing attack styles so you don't end up failing at the simple job of killing a bunch of acid trip monsters.

Healer: Pee-Nance hurt people. You heal them. You also gotta kill the Pee-Nance healers. Do this by ramming poisoned food right down their fat mouth and watch them die.

Defender: This role is a death sentence. You have to kill the Pee-Nance Runners by luring them onto saw blades, using certain food. However, not only are they as picky as shit, they also have the attention span of a cardboard box, and if they don't see food straight away after eating some, they piss off in the least convienient direction possible.

Collector: After Pee-Nance die, they drop eggs. You pick these up. The correct colour though, because the eggs are self aware and will explode if you get the wrong colour. You also load the Egg Cannon (no this is not a boss from a Sonic game) and fire the eggs right back at the Pee-Nance, which more often than not will be your only means to killing the Runners.

Playing the gameEdit

So you start at Wave one and being a good little player reading the tutorial and learning how to be the best barbarian assault player ever you grab a team and you all die on the 1st wave because your entire team doesn't know a green egg from a Ranger Pee-Nance and now it falls to you to educate 4 idiots with the combined mental age of a retarded gopher (No wait that's insulting to gophers) on the game which you have actually bothered to learn how to play.

Your reward for your impossible task?

-10000 points in whatever role you chose and a big fat headache

At this point you either leave the game and swear off it forever or you go and find a clan that lives B.A. and then you try to get out of negative points for the next 2 months

RewardsEdit

Successfully completing a wave will get you either honour points (pronounced "honer", there is no honour in Prunescape remember?) or exp 'potential' stored in your horn, which can serve as a portable double exp weekend for the Mining, Agility and Firemaking skills (well actually, it's not like a bonus xp weekend, those open a can of fuck-all on the economy and don't actually give you "double exp". Nah, penance horns are more similar to the tools from Stealing Creation.)

If you save up enough honer points, you will be able to spend them on any of the following:

  • Penance Armour: Probably the trippiest thing you could possibly wear. If you actually walk around in public wearing the full set, other players will feel so bad for your poor taste in clothing that they'll even start praying for you. There are starving children in Antarctica and yet they'll be more concerned about what you're wearing. Imagine that. To answer their prayers, the gods of Prunescape will grant you restoration of your prayer points at a rate that rivals the speed of a dead snail running a marathon.
  • Penance Fighter Torso: The most notable piece of peenance armour. This chestplate, or rather, its strength bonus, are so integral to the gameplay of Prunescape that at one point, a foolish mod who can not be named (No really, he can't be named. Jagex made giving this mod a name a bannable offence,) actually tried taking the strength bonus off. Within less than an hour, Paul Gower got into his garbage truck, drove to said mod's house, broke in, and slapped him with a fish. Talk about mean!
  • Penance Gloves: Also a piece of peenance armour. For reasons that have yet to be explained, wearing these will reduce your weight. They'll even reduce the wait time between switching worlds! Makes no sense but convenient amirite?
  • Penance Trident: *shits his pants* OH MY FUCKING GOD! FOR EVERY RUNE USED IN A SPELL CAST, THERE IS A 1 IN 60 CHANCE OF CASTING THE SPELL WITHOUT USING ANY RUNES OF THAT TYPE. THAT'S RIGHT, 1 IN 60 CASTS WILL SAVE YOU A DEATH RUNE (and also possibly 3 air runes.) OH AND THIS TRIDENT HAS A SPECIAL ATTACK WHICH HAS A CHANCE OF ONEHITKILLING MONSTERS WITH A COMBAT LEVEL LESS THAN 50. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MAGIC NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO COMPETE WITH MELEE AND RANGE IN PVM! (Because as everybody knows, cows drop godsword hilts.)
  • Penance Master Trident: After many mages expressed disgust with the overall redundancy of the penance trident. Jagex decided to set things right. No wait, no they didn't, they decided to troll mages further! This is the exact same thing as a penance trident... except that it has better melee stats. Way to listen to your players Jagex!
  • Pretty Colours: Trade in 50 points and you will be able to change the colour of your abyssal whip or dark bow. This reward may be filler but... it's not bad.
  • Granite Body: Not actually bought with honer points. No, once you kill the queen of the slugs, (whoops! wrong article,) you will be able to purchase these for OVER 95000 coins

You can also use honer points to hone your skills er, by that we mean, purchasing experience in the:

  • Attacker Role: This will increase the damage you do with every attack
  • Defender Role: This will decrease the chance of the peenance runners just ignoring your food and running straight to the cave thus giving your team a score of negative googleplex make food you drop on the floor smell better
  • Healer Role: This will raise the amount of HP you restore when feeding your teammates peenance piss.
  • Collector Role: This will... make it easier to change blue eggs into shit that's actually useful? Oh fuck that, just grab the eggy, grab the eggy, OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Since Jagex is so shit at releasing new skills, these all only go up to level 5. Once you've gotten to level 5 in at least one role, you can buy:

You can also use honer points to...

  • Gamble: Ok Jagex, that's disgusting. Item Scamming isn't cool. Especially when you're the one doing it!

Tips for Winning The GameEdit

  • One of the most important things to do in Barbarian Assault is to properly call! The attacker doesn't know what attack style to use until the collector tells him using the horn. The collector does not know what egg to pick up until the attacker calls with his horn. Defenders and Healers operate in a similar way.
  • Attackers lose points for attacking with the wrong attack style. Collectors lose points for picking up the wrong eggs (though not a lot.) Defenders lose points when penance runners get past the cave at the entrance and Healers lose points for using the wrong poisoned food on the penance healers.
  • The best things to use the egg cannon on (aside from the queen of course,) are the penance runners. This will make the Defender's task less of a headache. If the runners are dead, shoot the healers (but don't shoot them with green eggs, those interfere with your Healer's superior poison,) If both runners and healers are all dead (lolwut?) only then should you shoot the fighters and rangers.
  • The blue eggs are pretty fucking useless. 'nuff said!
  • Killing the runners using the egg cannon will not lose you points. Jagex even went through the trouble of putting this into Quickchat
  • B.A. teams consist of 5 players and there are only 4 roles to be fulfilled. This means that you have to choose one role to be done by 2 players.
  • Often B.A. teams will have 2 attackers. This is good if you want to make the waves go faster but it won't get you more points (the same number of attackers and rangers are killed,) and can actually lose you a few (with 2 attackers, it's more likely that one of them will still be attacking when the required attack style switches.)
  • In later waves where there are many more runners and the Defender's job becomes even more of a hassle, it might make sense to have 2 Defenders. This can actually save you a good number of points since there will be less of a chance of runners getting past. Then again, if your Collector knows what he's doing, this might not be necessary
  • 2 Healers are also good for later waves, especially the final wave with the Penance Queen. Since you will take more damage, you might need more healing. Sometimes the Defender might even finish earlier than the Healer because the amount of penance healers in later waves also becomes a hassle. (Note: more damage healed = more points!)
  • Some teams have 2 Collectors because more eggs collected = more points, make sure that one of them assists the Defender by firing the egg cannon at the runners though.
  • The Defender does not need to drop food on the trap square. luring runners to food in the circle of squares adjacent to the trap square will kill them.
  • It is better for runners to eat the wrong kind of food than it is for them to ignore your food completely. You won't lose points and it will usually get them distracted for a bit.
  • At the very beginning, right after getting food from the Defender Dispenser, the Defender should be running as fast as possible to the other side and dropping food (even if the correct food is not known yet.) He should also pick up the hammer and a few logs at the other side and be trying to lure the runners IMMEDIATELY. This role takes practice.
  • If you're the attacker and you think the correct attack style is about to switch, stop attacking for a few seconds. This may save you a point or 2.
  • Good melee weapons for the attacker to have include Dragon Claws (for the special attack,) and the Chaotic Longsword. If you don't have these, a Dragon Scimitar will still get the job done but unless you're ok with having to change weapons every now and then, the Abyssal Whip is not as good as the Dragon Scimitar because it does not have the aggressive attack style.
  • Another good weapon for everyone to have is the Enhanced Excalibur for its healing special. This is very good in the final wave but for other waves, having the Healer heal you will get your team more points.

TriviaEdit

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